I have not been updating this blog much over the past couple of years. There has been a reason for this: unfortunately my cancer has returned. It is no longer curable, although, with luck and the right treatment, it may be some time before it proves fatal. For a long time I found it too painful even to announce this publicly, but now I think it is helpful for me to do so. For too long it has been “the elephant in the room”, taking up all the space in my life. The only way to bring it down to the size of perhaps a large dog or a small pony is to say something about it.
I don’t plan on saying much, for me it is too raw, personal and private, but it does impact my life quite severely, so I want to say something. The cancer has damaged my bones, resulting in several fractures, and leaving me disabled. For a while I was unable to leave the house, although now I am able to get out for short walks at least, which has done a lot for my mental health. I am still able to drive, which helps.
I also suffer from fatigue, whole days go by when I am too exhausted to do anything. The main consequence is boredom: while daytime TV has a few gems, they are few and far between. I no longer write or play music, I don’t have the energy or concentration required.
However it is not all gloom; when I am well enough, I paint, and I have completed several new paintings recently. I will be posting some of them here. I find that painting is more suited to the rhythmn of my life, because I can do it when I have the energy, then put it aside when I don’t.
The hardest thing has been reconciling myself to the fact that I probably will not live for much longer. It is not something that I expected. I have had cancer twice in the past, one of the things that got me through was the belief that I would survive it. Now I can no longer believe that. The most that I can hope for is to live a meaningful life during the time that I have left. I am still working out what that means.